Tuesday, June 3, 2008
well after reading juan's blog (which i just discovered for myself) i guess i was more compelled to post this. but i guess i would have even if i hadn't read her blog.
i don't really know whether it's better to live in the past or remain in the present.
yes some of my fondest things come from the past. not the least of which is my love for music from as far back as the 50's.
but then the present is so full of exciting changes. i'm looking forward (somewhat) to going to rjc and starting anew, with knowledge about myself and my surroundings that i never ever came close to having at the start of secondary school.
and for that i am immensely grateful to the magnificent institution which has served as my second home (i believe sometimes it even qualifies as my first, on those special occasions where you feel a true sense of ownership) for the last 4 years.
the claims out there about raffles in general being so many wonderful things and giving students holistic education may be cliched and painful for some of us students to hear ourselves,
but oh boy, they're true, if you have the attitude for it.
do indulge me a while more.
one of my weaknesses coming into ri was my physical condition.
that's been rectified beyond doubt.
another one was needing to speak up more. it's partly personal too, because i don't like those uncomfortable silences between friends when you're together.
have i achieved it? somewhat. i'm getting there still. i must admit this is a big challenge to me.
something else i sorely wanted was to have a "life".
(and juanmin hit it on the nail when she said "so many miscellaneous things seem important to me, the keyword being 'seem'." i guess this is one of them, but then again i've been trying to convince myself that it has benefits ranging beyond seeming "cool".)
have i gotten what i wanted? not really. but i'd like to think i'm gradually getting there as well.
some of you have told me that i'm not as bad as i make myself out to be when i tell you about all these things i want to be but am not. well, i guess my expectations of myself are pretty high. i want to be good in everything, as impossible as it may seem - i guess that's my nature.
some people also question my desire to be involved in seemingly everything around school. not least of which are my parents.
they're not questioning why i have so little desire, but incredibly, why i have so much of it.
which is a sticking point for me. people usually question the lack of desire. i guess in my case it's sort of justified, because my grades are pretty bad (i'll wager they're the worst by a mile in our 50-strong apcg group - and i'm assuming we were selected based on our all-round performance?), and it's due to the time i'm putting into my studies, or the lack of it, due to my involvement with school activities.
people usually say, "why are you getting involved?", or in another variation, "why do you help the prefects? why are you their 80th man?"
i actually don't really like answering these questions. anyone who's heard me answer these questions more than once will realise that i give the same standard answer to everyone, "because i like doing it."
but i don't like answering these questions, not because i'm asked so many times. it's the tone in which they're asked.
no offence to anyone who's asked me about this before, but most people who ask me this ask it in a very incredulous way. i sort of guess from the tone they ask it that they don't believe in it at all, because of a myriad of reasons.
and i'm worried that the way they ask it will affect my own attitude towards doing what i do.
cynicism is like a hunter's trap, and we are the animals who tread across this danger-filled path. every now and again, animals who have some awareness of themselves and their surroundings recognise these traps, but because so many other people have walked right into the trap, they follow.
and just like that, it loses its future.
i guess you could say i see myself as seeing a bigger picture than other people. and that people around me are all cynical.
that's another trap which we would do well to steer clear of. pride.
and again, juanmin is correct when she says that the life we grow up in in the future is full of "politics, caution, and a life that is so trying".
before we criticise people above us in the hierachy, we must first realise that the path they have trodden is so fraught of dangerous, tempting things, but they have not given in. in that sense, they deserve their place more than any of us can claim to - because they have done what we have not.
sometimes i use that to burst my inflating ego, and keep it in check before it gets out of control in a bad sense. when i think i can do things better than other people, and should be the person for the job, i remember that there is a reason why they are there, and that's more than enough to make the idea of breaking the hierachy disappear.
there's no reason why we can't break the hierachy - we just need to find the right way to do it. and being full of yourself and thinking you have what it takes when you actually don't is clearly not it.
sorry, that was a long indulgence.
all that may not have too much relevance to my first line about living in the past or the present.
or does it?
today, i was taking the bus home from boon keng. there was a direct service to bedok interchange (where i wanted to go), so i decided to take it, rather than take the mrt (which would have involved a big loop all the way down to city hall).
it's strange how that one bus ride led me to my thoughts now.
before i moved into my current house in 2000, i stayed at bedok reservoir road, right opposite the reservoir itself.
readers who've read my previous blog post in my previous blog about the cross country run last year, you'll know this already, but since the blog doesn't exist anymore, i'll just recap briefly.
i have many memories of that place. not all of them were fond, but most anyway.
i remember every sunday, when our family (from our grandmother if she was in singapore, right down to me, the younger son) would make the short walk across the road (and yes, we jaywalked) to bedok reservoir. it was only 100m away, so it became a ritual of sorts.
our father would run the whole route around bedok reservoir (it was about 5.5 to 6km long that time, i believe) faithfully. the rest of us would stroll along the first half of the route, reaching the polytechnic behind the reservoir and then turning back to go home. sometimes all of us would run - i believe i only ever ran the whole reservoir route twice though. it took about 1 hour to complete, but of course, that was when i was young.
i remember things about the reservoir - the smell of the factory at the far end (maybe that is why i was never motivated to run the whole route), the terrain (for the most part it was gravel, but the area near the factory was a piece of road, and the bridge around the start was covered with sand), the "no swimming and fishing" signs around the reservoir, and the exercise equipment near the end (which i knew was there but at the time didn't really know what it was for)...
after we had finished our run and walks, we would go down, close to the edge of the reservoir. at the time, there was a bank of rocks leading down to the water, and so we would stand there, pick up small rocks and pebbles from the ground, and throw them as far as we could into the reservoir. it was always nice to hear the "thoop" sound as the rock entered the water, and sank to the mysterious depths of the reservoir.
it was nicer when the sun set - because the reservoir was so big and the terrain was flat, we had a good view of the evening sun, and sometimes it was setting just as we were ready to head home. i believe we could still see the sun set from our house.
sometimes, when we didn't want to go home and cook dinner, we could always take a short walk to the nearby coffeeshop to have a good meal. i remember we did that at least once.
that's why the 2007 cross country run brought back so many fond memories. i was almost reliving the times in my head as i ran along, with people complaining about the sweltering heat and lack of shelter, comparing the area last time to the area at present.
maybe that's why i did so well (or thought i did - according to estimates i ran about 21 minutes for 4.2km, which is pretty good for me, at least) - because of prior knowledge.
i ran around the reservoir in 1 hour (maybe even more) 10 years ago. now i can do it in 21 minutes.
what a difference a decade makes.
i remember when my father, my brother and i would go down to the bushes behind our block after it rained to catch snails. sometimes we would bring them home.
i remember when i woke up once in the middle of the night and saw black spots swirling around in my line of vision. i thought i was going blind, and so i asked my father to bring me to another room. when he finished comforting me, he was going to go out and turn off the light, when i told him not to - for fear that if the light went out, i would close my eyes and sleep, and when i woke up in the morning i might never see again.
so he kept the light on. i believe he stayed with me for a while, and eventually went out.
when i woke up it was morning again, and the light was still on. the black spots which i had seen, though, had disappeared.
to this day i have no idea what caused those black spots. all i know for sure is that i saw them, and i understand now just how much trouble parents will go to to care for their children.
i remember during national day, when we were watching the national day parade. my mother told me to look out of the window, and then i saw fireworks lighting up the very sky outside our house. i actually thought that the parade was going on right outside our house.
i remember the garden we had outside our house (it was a small one, since we lived in some kind of hdb block, yet it wasn't really a hdb block, because our house had 2 storeys. is that a special type of hdb block?). we grew cacti and many other kinds of flowers and vegetables, and it was nice to just look at it.
i remember there were times where i shone a torchlight up at the moon, and i became scared, because i thought that that was something taboo, and that someone up on the moon would come after me. another explanation i thought of was that my light would disturb something up in space, and cause a disaster of some kind.
i remember every weekend afternoon, after lunch, we would simply sit in the living room. my parents would watch tv (i remember that on sundays, "hercules" was on) while my brother and i played with the latest "hot wheels" toys which we had. those times were almost untouchable, and we usually spent about 1 hour sitting there, doing our things, before moving on. it was as if we had gone into a different, more serene environment in that hour.
i remember that every saturday, before the start of the 5-day work week, my mother would go to her lab (which was then located at buona vista's science park) to work for half a day, before joining the rest of us for another weekly ritual - saturday lunches at mcdonald's. we went there without fail almost every week, and sometimes on weekdays we even went for dinner.
i remember another ritual we had before we got our second car. since both my parents had to go to work, we would share one car. my father would drive to ang mo kio (or was it yishun?), around where he worked, before passing the wheel onto my mother, who would then send me to my nanny's place (which i still visit whenever i can) before going off to work herself.
i remember the time i scalded myself at home. i was reaching for a cup of hot water on the counter (yes, when i was that short) and tiptoeing to get it, when i spilled it onto my hand. i remember i was crying out in pain, and my mother immediately stepped in to handle the situation. she led me upstairs to her room, where as she scolded me, she applied some cream on the area to soothe the pain.
i remember the time where i was snacking on those instant noodles straight from the packet (they are actually deep-fried already, my mother told me once, but when cooked again they give the softer version we all have come to know) when one of my baby teeth fell out. those were a common occurence, really, when i was younger, but the numbness of the gum in that area and the blood which followed was always something i was not too eager to experience.
i remember when we had to wash the car, we would bring pails of water down to the central landing between the second and third floor (the third floor was where we lived, and that was also the highest floor in the block), and draw water from a common tap there, before going downstairs to throw water and soap over the car.
there are so many other memories which i would dearly like to put here, but this post is becoming very long. so i will stop here. but these are just some of the clearest memories i have of my old home.
in fact, i could even draw you a layout of it right now, complete with details.
then, in 2000, we had to move house. i didn't know why, and to this day still do not know, but i will try to explain later.
and with that, i severed almost all relations with the old house. one, however, remained. after moving house, i could not find one of my game CDs (yes, the popular games came in CD form in that era, not the PlayStations, Xboxes or Nintendos we have now. it is my personal opinion that nowadays, games which come as CDs are not as entertaining as on other consoles - which is true really, since a computer is not really meant for playing games as it is for typing documents, for instance), and to this day i do not know where the original is. i did, however, manage to get one copy through my mother's sister's son (pardon me for my lack of knowledge of the family tree), so that was eventually resolved.
and then again it wasn't, because the game was only compatible with Windows 98 or earlier, whereas in this day and age, Windows XP (from 5 years ago) is already considered old, compared to Vista.
with the change of address, my lifestyle gradually changed, from revolving around my previous environment to a new, rather foreign location. and i lost touch with the things i was used to in my earlier days.
these things included the nursery and primary school i was at (before i transferred schools due to the GEP), and of course, the environment in and around my house which i have described above.
as a result i didn't do the things i did up there anymore.
no more sharing of cars.
no more falling of teeth.
no more saturday lunches at mcdonald's.
no more snail-catching.
no more shining torchlights at the moon.
no more car washing using pails of water.
and now? i've become used to my environment here in my bigger house. i probably have good memories of this place, but then again i won't really know whether i have them until i move house again, and begin to miss this one.
but that bus ride reminded me of everything. because it took the route which i would have taken if i had still been living at bedok reservoir.
the first thing it passed by was the coffeeshop, and together with it, the small complex of shops which was the most frequent destination of our family trips. it still looked the same, with a nice homely feel to it, as ever.
it then passed by something rather new, but was already there by the time we moved out - another supermarket housed in a multi-storey carpark building. we had never gone to this supermarket before, and we had witnessed its entire construction first-hand from the many trips we made around that area.
and then it passed by the reservoir.
yes, it's changed a lot now. i saw that for myself last year, when we took the exact same route this bus was taking, strangely enough, to the reservoir for the run. it felt rather different, but in a nice way as well. somehow it felt more alive then when we were still living there.
and then, our old house.
what took me by surprise was that in the preceding 200m, there were signs of construction of a new waterfront condominium. you could see the cranes going in to demolish the buildings. i was hoping that my old house wouldn't be one of them, for some reason.
i guess i'm a sentimental person. that's somewhat proven by my love for old music. it just sounds nicer and more emotionally charged than today's music - which is too angsty, and perhaps even too superficial or vulgar for my liking. and by vulgar i don't mean just cursing vulgarities, but the very things they sing about - some of them aren't really worth having a song written about them, or are sung about in the wrong kind of music.
but as i passed by the block of flats i lived in, my heart sank when i realised that firstly, i could see the block from the road (which was previously not possible), and that secondly, a crane was perched close to the block, standing atop a pile of rubble. thankfully, the block was still standing, though, and it afforded me another look (and what could be my final look) at my old home.
maybe that's why we sold our flat - my parents knew that it was going to be converted into a new condominium, and thus there was no point in holding on to it, and watch it turn into worthless rubble.
and for some reason, i thought about that CD which i had left in the old house. wondering whether it was still in that house, and whether it would be found when it was demolished.
after my house, the bus turned into the road where my schools were.
i nearly didn't recognise that the two buildings along the road were my previous schools, if not for the fact that they were in the same place they were 10 years ago.
firstly, i saw red swastika school, my school from '99-'01. i remember the school was old and needed some upgrading to give it a fresh look when i last saw it.
now? it won't need upgrading for another 2 or 3 decades.
the layout has changed too, from what i could guess in the 10 seconds the bus took to pass the school. i remember every day, we would go down to the road before the main classroom block to line up for the flag-lowering ceremony. following the national anthem, we would all run down the road, towards the area where all the buses were parked, to board the bus home (or in my case, to my nanny's house).
now, that area has been converted to a drop-off point, and the road is no more. one of just the many changes i am sure has taken place since i left 7 years ago. before i left, there wasn't even a single indication that upgrading would be done too. but just look at the result now.
i remember in my primary one days, i vomitted in school, and had to go to the girls' toilet to do it because the boys' toilet was halfway around the corridor. that is the only time so far i've been sick or injured in school (barring, of course, my unfortunate yet strangely comical drain accident on the very first day of school last year). that was in the first block from the road, which seems to have changed as well, despite being the newer wing of the classroom blocks.
and then i passed by my nursery and kindergarten.
i just realised that my going to church with my nanny and, on other occasions, isaac, actually should mean something more to me than simply going to a church.
because while i may be a free-thinker, i was actually schooled in nursery as a Christian.
yes, it took a while for me to realise it. but that is where i got my knowledge about the Bible and Christianity. while it may be basic, and i have forgotten some of the facts, it still is a part of me, deep within.
i remember the time when progress awards were given out to bright pupils. i was one of them, luckily enough, and i received a Bible as my present.
unfortunately, i have misplaced it, but i did read through the entire book, and now the urge to find it comes back again.
maybe i might have left it in the old house as well. i cannot remember.
another memory i have was the celebration of my birthday in front of the whole school. as you know, my birthday is rather special, and it calls for a special celebration every time it actually comes around. my first actual birthday celebration was at this very kindergarten, in front of the whole school. i remember a picture of it, where i looked fairly lost and actually rather grouchy. but that was when i was young, so i guess i can be forgiven.
of course, there was always the lunch breaks which we all looked forward to. before eating, we would close our eyes in prayer, and i still remember the teachers would pull out the students who spent more time talking than eating to sit alone and eat in silence. i remember i got pulled out more than a few times.
i believe the principal, mrs seah, is still there. it's online too - you can look at the website here.
again, it, like red swastika, has changed so much. it looks much more modern and has a brand new church right beside it.
and to think i pass within a street of it almost every day, on the way to and from my nanny's house, but yet do not realise the transformation of the area.
the ride onboard the bus for the 5-7 minutes it took to pass by all these places was nostalgic, to say the least.
it really led me to think: would it be better if we lived in the past, or continue living in the present?
yet again juanmin gets it right when she expresses her desire to remain a young child forever. that idea came to me for a while; our family was getting on pretty well and it was a very warm and inviting environment for the family to bond together.
in fact, our move to a bigger house with more defined boundaries may have been what set the wheels of conflict in motion.
i don't really want to grow old. i really don't. for one, i know i cannot stand to face death. the only time a relative died in my time on this world was when i was too young to understand what exactly was happening.
last year, a close friend of my parents died in a freak accident. i could hear the crying of her husband through the phone, and let me tell you, it wasn't nice. i was rather shaken by it.
i don't want to think about when my parents or my grandmother will have to leave this earth. i don't want to leave my nanny too - she's taken care of me and my brother for 19 years now, and she's just like a second mother to me, and her family are like close relatives. some of you may think i'm still baby-ish to be visiting my nanny at 16, but there's the real reason. when my first family isn't at home, i go to look for my second.
sometimes, i find it hard to split my time between my families. it's a nice conflict to have, really, but the fact that one day it must end makes it a very poignant and heavy decision i have to make. with each passing day, the decision becomes more and more difficult, until there is no decision left to make, because God and Fate have made it for me.
growing up can be pretty painful.
if you've actually read till here, thank you for listening me out. but there's just one more thing.
juanmin, you're so mature for someone your age, do you know that? it's incredible how something you write can be so relevant and impactful to other people your age, perhaps even older than you.
i'm a very easily influenced person. sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not. it's a good thing in that i listen to everything, and look out for the learning points in them (another instance of how i like to think of myself), but it's not good when you realise that i'm easily cheated and lied to.
and i guess after reading other people's blog posts i should reassess my level of maturity compared to other people.
and this is something which seems really important, and is.
so ends this 3 and a 1/2 hour-long typing of this post.
it's getting late. perhaps i'll blog more about the maturity bit another time.
Thanks to all the blogs i referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
