~The Road Less Taken~

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

hey juan i have an exclamation mark behind your name too! (like that, see!) (there's another one!) (and another!)...

ok that could go on forever so it stops now.

...

on a more sombre note,

should we think of ourselves as little cublings, needing the warmth and support of our parents to grow into a truly magnificent, intimidating creature?

or should we think of ourselves as the same little cublings who are capable of surviving on their own, because they were just meant to be that way?

...

i once attended this course which was really expensive (conducted by adam khoo, mind you). it was meant to teach me all kinds of things, in my academic as well as overall life.

that was at the end of sec 1. i guess my life changed from there.

but i haven't really applied what he and the other course instructors taught me about how to do well academically.

so my mother asks me, "what in the world did you learn from that?"

i haven't answered her yet, because i know what i learnt. it was one of life's most important lessons, which i still remember clearly to this day.

it was to treasure whatever we have now. not to wait till it was too late.

the lesson was so impactful and touching that everyone in the room was in tears. everyone.

and i'm glad i learnt that lesson well, at the cost of only a few thousand bucks and a few hours of tears.

because you don't want to lose your parents (which is becoming more and more possible for us young ones as time goes by. it's true. we cannot stop time.) and then evaluate the loss of that.

not as much in terms of money as that of emotions.

the loss gets much bigger if you have any regrets.

you could say that's the entire basis of my conflict now.

i know i should be giving my parents a better time with me than what they're getting. but two things keep getting in the way.

personal interests always play a part. not at first, but eventually. and i don't know whether my parents know that i know all this.

it's very hard for them, i know. working to support a family is not easy.

but that doesn't make it any easier for us as youths.

i somehow feel restrained by my parents. i believe i have a mind for it but somehow, my parents don't recognise it all the time.

in fact they don't really encourage as much as they do criticise, albeit subtly.

for instance, when i get back test papers.

the first two questions are, "did you fail (again) this time?" and, especially if the answer to the first was "no", "are you the lowest in class?"

i see that as a entrenched belief that they don't think i can do it. it gets really demoralising to see your parents aren't even helping you through it.

and i'm trying to prove them wrong. trying so hard.

i studied 5 weeks in advance for the most recent biology test. flipping chapters well before the actual test.

i ended up scraping a pass, and getting lowest in class.

i haven't shown it to them yet. to be honest, i'm so afraid to show them that paper because i know what i'm going to get. and i don't want it. i'm honestly sick of it.

what i would give to have my parents reading this right now.

my mother in particular keeps telling me to read or study something. yes, i know i have to - and i do. but once she sees me doing something else, even if only for a while, she'll say i need to do work.

when i actually am doing work, she says i should do something to boost my grades.

i know this is not being particularly nice to my mother.

some other people don't seem to get along rather nicely with their mums too.

is it some kind of sexism at work? i could offer an explanation along that line, but not now.

it's becoming rather tiring to be at home, to be honest.

when i see other happier families out there i somehow wish i could just live with them for a change.

i see the need to be a "nice boy" for a change as well. they can't think i'm all bad at this point, and they don't need to.

the problem is that i don't really know how to do it though.

so now i'm stuck somewhat.

i don't know what to do to return my family to a much happier, warmer one.

is it even my responsibility? i don't know, but i do want that kind of a family.

ok i'm feeling rather confused about all of this right now. and i do not want another long emo post.

so i'll keep the rest to myself. i think i've said too much anyway.

I stopped to rest at 9:48 PM

Two roads diverged,and I-
took the one less taken...